Day 24 - "I Decided to Stand Up to the Glass Teat"

I'm not like this yet.

Area Man Constantly Mentioning He Doesn't Own A Television
The Onion

CHAPEL HILL, NC Area resident Jonathan Green does not own a television, a fact he repeatedly points out to friends, family, and coworkersas well as to his mailman, neighborhood convenience-store clerks, and the man who cleans the hallways in his apartment building.

"I, personally, would rather spend my time doing something useful than watch television," Green told a random woman Monday at the Suds 'N' Duds Laundromat, noticing the establishment's wall-mounted TV. "I don't even own one." According to Melinda Elkins, a coworker of Green's at The Frame Job, a Chapel Hill picture-frame shop, Green steers the conversation toward television whenever possible, just so he can mention not owning one.

"A few days ago, [store manager] Annette [Haig] was saying her new contacts were bothering her," Elkins said. "The second she said that, I knew Jonathan would pounce. He was like, 'I didn't know you had contacts, Annette. Are your eyes bad? That's a shame. I'm really lucky to have almost perfect vision. I need reading glasses, but that's it. I'm guessing it's because I don't watch TV. In fact, I don't even own one."

According to Elkins, "idiot box" is Green's favorite derogatory term for television. "He uses that one a lot," she said. "But he's got other ones, too, like 'boob tube' and 'electronic babysitter.'" Elkins said Green always makes sure to read the copies of Entertainment Weekly and People lying around the shop's breakroom, "just so he can point out all the stars and shows he's never heard of."

"Last week, in one of the magazines, there was a picture of Calista Flockhart," Elkins said, "and Jonathan announced, 'I have absolutely no idea who this woman is. Calista who? Am I supposed to have heard of her? I'm sorry, but I haven't.'"...